Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
