I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
