I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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