at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
