Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I think my fart just growled at me.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
