Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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