The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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