What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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