I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
