I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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