as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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