is your mom at the bar?
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.