her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.