On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
23 People Reveal The Worst Culture Shock They’ve Ever Experienced While Traveling
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
27 People Confess Their Proudest Fap
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel