Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
