i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
