She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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