the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
