This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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