It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
