maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
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I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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