Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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