That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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