Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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