you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
