Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
