you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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