you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
