Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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