I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
