Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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