it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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