Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
