why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i barfeds in our rink
i will never coherently bang her
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
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