You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
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The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I had to cum in my sink.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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