you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
