I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
