you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Randomize
