it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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