My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
