just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
