just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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