god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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