i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
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I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
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Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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