just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
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