I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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