he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I have aggressive nipples.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I wear drunk well.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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