Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
