Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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