why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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