dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
