sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
