If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
