that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
