guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
porn star boner night. come get it.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
