if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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