he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
