I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
