he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
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I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
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No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
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